Showing posts with label art. Show all posts
Showing posts with label art. Show all posts

Saturday, May 24, 2014

God's Refrigerator


Here's tomorrow's homily.  The readings are Acts 17:22-31 and John 14:15-21.

It turns out that there's a country song called God's Refrigerator; I only discovered that, and the magnet, after I wrote the first draft of this.  Hey, GMTA.

Given the horrific Isla Vista shooting, maybe I should have talked about that.  But I feel like I keep having to preach about shootings. I wanted to talk about something else. And I suspect that the kind of creativity I'm talking about here may be one small part of the answer to our violence epidemic, anyway.

Create, don't destroy.

*

Many of you know that I write fantasy and science fiction. Most of you know, because I’ve talked about it before, that I’m a child of non-believers. You won’t be surprised, then, to learn that many years ago, when I told my father that I’d started taking preaching classes, he threw his hands in the air and said, “Well, of course! You already write science fiction!”

My father’s reaction, while very funny, isn’t uncommon. The people I know who don’t go to church often maintain that those of us who do are engaged in a fantastical, time-consuming game of make-believe. We’ve invented God. Our faith is just a story, a fairy tale. We worship, not the being who created us, but a being we have created.

Based on Paul’s message to the Athenians in today’s lesson from Acts, this idea was current in his day, too. “Since we are God’s offspring, we ought not to think that the deity is like gold, or silver, or stone, an image formed by the art and imagination of mortals,” Paul says. No, we do not worship a being we have created. We worship the being who created us.

I suspect that this confusion between who is the creator and who is the created accounts for some of the suspicion of imagination in certain Christian circles -- more conservative than ours -- whose members are, for instance, forbidden to watch movies, or encouraged to burn Harry Potter books. Islam, properly wary of creating idols that reduce God to human size, forbids realism in sacred art; Judaism has a long history of uneasiness with artistic depictions of God. After all, the Second Commandment forbids “graven images.” If you interpret that commandment strictly, the sculpture of Jesus above our altar here at St. Paul’s puts us in very dangerous territory, as do the Stations of the Cross around our sanctuary.

And yet there’s another school of Christian thought that not only allows human art and imagination, but celebrates them. We are God’s offspring, created in God’s image. If we are created in the image of a creator, then art and imagination are our birthright, our family inheritance. Creativity is our legacy.

This idea was championed by J.R.R. Tolkien, the devoutly Catholic creator of Middle Earth, who described human artistry -- music, literature, the visual arts -- as “sub-creation.” He meant not that what people make is sub-par or sub-standard, but that human creations are a sub-set of God’s created world. We are co-creators with God, dreaming new things into existence. According to Tolkien, representational art -- “realistic” art -- is, if anything, inferior to fantasy.  Realism merely copies what already exists, rather than using imagination to create what has never been seen before. God imagined the world into existence. Made in God’s image, we are called to imagine, too.

This is harder than it sounds. For one thing, children with artistic relatives are often so intimidated by the family legacy that they deliberately take another path. My grandfather and his twin brother were famous commercial artists who painted covers for The Shadow magazine and Boys’ Life. As a child, I took painting lessons and was pronounced talented.  In high school, an art teacher urged me to apply to art school.  But I knew I’d never be as good as my grandfather and his brother, so I focused on my writing instead.  In college, I took a fiction workshop with Matt Salinger, son of the famous writer J.D. Salinger.  Matt was a good writer, but he was so intimidated by his father’s literary legacy that he went into acting.

Obviously, when the artistic person in the family is God, the intimidation factor gets ramped up several-million-fold. As poet Joyce Kilmer laments in his poem "Trees", “Poems are made by fools like me,/But only God can make a tree.” The fact that English teachers everywhere use “Trees” as an example of really bad poetry hardly helps. Nor does the fact that our society values only the skilled and professional. If your painting or poetry or pottery isn’t good enough to sell, well, you’d better just stop trying and buy the work of “real” artists, the ones who get paid for it. Children absorb this attitude very early. In the words of a friend of mine, “All six year olds know they’re artists. All sixteen year olds know they aren’t.”

Trying to become an artist is hard enough when you feel like you have to live up to J.D. Salinger, or even Joyce Kilmer -- but God?  In the face of these famous forbears, it’s a wonder that any of us overcome our artistic shyness to create anything at all. And yet we do, and when we do, we discover the joys and the rewards of creativity.

When we create, we participate in incarnation. I’m not the world’s best knitter, but look! I can use sticks and string to create a pair of socks, to make solid objects that not only didn’t exist before but keep my feet warm. How cool is that? I feel so good after making a pair of socks that I can only imagine how good God feels after making a tree.

When we create, we also resist the consumer messages that saturate our culture. These messages tell us that we aren’t enough without those Levi’s, that we’re inferior without that fancy car, that our yearnings for meaning can only be met by owning an iPad. Any creative project, whether it’s knitting socks or playing the drums, reveals these statements as lies.  The surest joy comes from making stuff, not from buying it, even if the stuff we make is imperfect.

And that’s because when we create pottery or pot-holders or music, we also create community. Our artworks are saturated with meaning. They’re expressions of love. My first knitting project, eight years ago, was a prayer shawl for a friend whose husband was dying of cancer. The shawl was a lumpy mess. Half the stitches were backwards, and there were holes where none belonged. But my friend cherishes the shawl and still uses it, even though it’s unraveled so much that now it looks more like a giant knot than a garment.

Creativity also has proven health benefits, which is why hospitals and nursing homes almost always have art therapists on staff. Making stuff makes us feel better, both mentally and physically. It reduces anxiety and boosts our immune systems. It heals us.

“But I’m not creative!” many people say. “Where do artists get their ideas?”

In today’s Gospel, Jesus tells the disciples that although he will no longer be with them in the flesh, God will send “another Advocate, to be with you forever.” He’s talking about Pentecost. The Advocate is the Holy Spirit, who created the church and also bestows artistic inspiration, those ecstatic rushing winds. If Pentecost is coming, so is creativity. Our ideas, like everything else, come from God.

Even with all its benefits, creation is hard. It takes practice. No one’s good at it right away. But just as human parents delight in the pasta collages and lumpy clay dinosaurs of their children, so God, surely, delights in our efforts. You may have seen the magnet that says, “If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.” Imagine that very large fridge, with its infinite supply of magnets. Look, there’s rock art from the Great Basin! Look, there’s one of Shakespeare’s sonnets! Look, there’s the score of Beethoven’s Ninth! But my childhood paintings are there, too, and the story of Matt Salinger’s he thought wasn’t as good as his father’s work, and your co-worker’s doodle from that boring meeting last week, and your own first-grade stick-figure drawing, the one that was on your parents’ fridge for years and got lost when they moved. Somewhere up there, there’s probably even a copy of Joyce Kilmer’s “Trees.”

Amen.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

My Worldcon Schedule


Worldcon begins on August 17 and will be held at the Convention Center. I don't see the knitting panel here, but will make inquiries. Note that I'm moderating both the Nevada-as-setting panel and the religion panel, which should be interesting. I've moderated faith discussions at WisCon, so I hope this will go as well. In any case, I'll be busy that weekend!

Wed 12:00 - 13:00, Welcome to Reno (Panel), A02 (RSCC)

An introduction of what to see and do in Reno by locals!

Arthur Chenin (M), Karyn de Dufour, Margaret McGaffey Fisk, Richard Hescox, Mignon Fogarty, Susan Palwick

Wed 18:00 - 19:00, Nevada as a Setting for SF & Fantasy(Panel), A03 (RSCC)

Nevada's mountains and deserts have provided a fertile landscape for writers and movie makers for over 150 years. Join regional writers to learn more about the books and movies that helped to define this area.

Susan Palwick (M), Colin Fisk, Connie Willis, Mignon Fogarty, Kristine Kathryn Rusch

Thu 11:00 - 12:00, When Faith and Science Meet (Panel), A09 (RSCC

Many SF tales, from Arthur C. Clarke's "The Star" to Walter Miller's A Canticle for Leibowitz to Mary Doria Russell's The Sparrow, deal with the intersection of unexpected discoveries on the faith of the characters. Cultural discourse often presents religious faith and science as polar opposites, and certainly there's a long history of conflict between them. But many people of many faiths have happily and successfully reconciled their beliefs with a scientific worldview, and SF/F is no stranger to spirituality, either. Both Joanna Russ and David Hartwell have described SF/F as essentially religious. This panel will present a civil conversation -- between people who respect both faith and science -- about how the two inform each other, both in SF/F and in the rest of the world.

Susan Palwick (M), Eric James Stone, Laurel Anne Hill, Moshe Feder, Norman Cates

Thu 14:30 - 15:00, Reading: Susan Palwick (Reading), A14 (RSCC)

I'll probably read some short chapters from Mending the Moon about my invented comic book, Comrade Cosmos.

Thu 22:00 - 23:00, Short Talks about Art (Talk), A03 (RSCC)

Susan Palwick, Light and Shadow: Family, Pulp Fiction, and the West.

Kelley Caspari, Susan Palwick

I'll be reading a short essay, originally published in NYRSF three hundred years ago, about my grandfather Jerome Rozen, a well-known pulp artist who painted some of the original covers for The Shadow.

Fri 11:00 - 12:00, KaffeeKlatsch: Fri 11:00 (KaffeeKlatsch), KK1(RSCC)

Howard Tayler, Susan Palwick, Ken Scholes

Sat 12:00 - 13:00, River and Echo: The Evolution from Victim to Hero (Panel), A05 (RSCC)

Irene Radford (M), Lee Martindale, Susan Palwick, Charles Oberndorf

The description got cut off, but I think the title works fine. As a longtime Whedonphile, I'm delighted to be on this panel.

Sat 14:00 - 15:00, Autographing: Sat 14:00 (Autographing), Hall 2 Autographs (RSCC)

Monday, June 27, 2011

A Little Woven Thing


Last night we finished watching the second season of PBS' Craft in America, which regularly makes me cry because everything the artists are making is so beautiful. One of the artists they featured was a weaver, and I became intrigued, so last night I read an article about how to weave on a homemade cardboard loom, and this morning I made one and produced the above object, a 2.5"x4.5" bit o' fabric (rug for a mouse?) which won't make anyone cry except in pain: but hey, it's my first effort, and considering that I have no idea what I'm doing yet, I think it could have turned out much worse. It's no object of beauty, although I had fun playing with the different colored yards, but it's an honest-to-goodness piece of dense, solid, tough fabric.

Anyway, making it was fun, and I think I'm going to try to produce more objects (coasters? placemats? maybe even scarves?), because among other things, it's a nice break from knitting -- I love knitting, but other ways to play with yarn are nice too -- and it will help use up scrap yarn. I realize that everybody else in the world went through their cardboard-loom phase in elementary school, but I seem to have missed that class.

Obviously I don't already have enough hobbies.

Equally obviously, I have a lot to learn, like what to do with the warp threads. Oh, mbj, turns out that scratchy wool I bought at the art store makes a pretty decent warp, and I bet the yarn there's for weavers.

Our local art museum school is offering a weaving class in September. If I'm still interested then, I may sign up for it.

Oh! And speaking of yarn, there's going to be a knitting panel at Worldcon! And I'm on it! What fun!

Monday, May 16, 2011

DIY Art Therapy


At the end of my last lesson with Charlene, she said, "Thank you for all your hard work." The statement caught me a little off guard. I've been very, very conscious of how bad my playing is; although I do have some abilities -- as Charlene said, "You have a good ear; if I play a tune for you, you can play it back to me" -- I don't speak the language of music and would never consider myself a musician. I'm somebody who enjoys scratching out very rough tunes on the viola.

But what Charlene said made me think, "Huh. Yeah, I have worked hard at this, haven't I?" And, more to the point, when I've been able to let go of my deeply ingrained perfectionist streak, I've enjoyed it.

The perfectionist thing goes way back. I'll spare you the history; suffice it to say that for many years, I was one of those unhappy people who measured my worth by my external accomplishments, especially grades. This tends, or tended in my case anyway, to turn into a glass-half-empty mindset: I measured myself according to what I hadn't done, and if you think that way, you'll always consider yourself a failure, because there's always someone who's done more.

I've been struggling with this issue lately at work. For one thing, academics are increasingly being evaluated as much by what they haven't done as by what they have, which is why I won't be going up for full professor. I have to keep reminding myself that even if I don't have the "national profile" required for promotion, I have published four books (with more on the way, I hope), and also perform community service I wouldn't have time for were I serving on MLA committees. The non-promotion situation, though, has re-sensitized me to how stressful glass-half-empty thinking is on colleagues and other people around me.

It's a tricky issue. Several of my students this semester have been very upset that I graded them on the results of their work, rather than on their effort. My response, and that of most professors I know, is that I have no way to measure relative effort, and that other arenas of human experience (most jobs, for instance) evaluate on results, too. Learning to come to terms with that is an important part of a college education.

At the same time, though, I always try to tell my students that their grades are not the measure of their personal worth. I know many of them don't believe me; if they did, the grades wouldn't upset them so much in the first place, and at that age, I sure didn't believe anybody who told me the same thing. I'm always heartened by students who maybe didn't get perfect grades, but who say that they enjoyed the class, or learned something, or acquired a new skill. In other words, the students who are looking at what they have, and not at what they don't: glass-half-full folk. They're so much healthier than I was in college.

Another way of defining this is process thinking versus product thinking. Both are important, but in different ways and for different purposes, and if you enjoy a process, you've gained something even if no one else appreciates the product. (One of the problems with academic promotion procedures right now is that the range of acceptable products has tightened considerably.)

It needs to be said that some of this stuff is a function of consumer culture, which encourages to focus on what we don't have so we'll go buy it. As an inveterate shopper, I'm very familiar with that pattern.

So, anyway. Today, as previously advertised, I sat down to start revising the latest novel. I did fine; I'm about ten pages in. But the next two sections, the ones scheduled for tomorrow, will require a lot of changes and some major plot rethinking, and I felt my stomach clenching up about it even today. Gotta get it right gotta get it right gotta get it right.

That mantra serves a purpose, but at this stage it's counter-productive. It's classic glass-half-empty thinking, because I'm looking at what's wrong, what isn't there: at lack, rather than possibility.

I played the viola for a while, since that always gets me to loosen up. Playing the viola means giving myself permission to do something badly, just because it's fun.

Then I decided to go shopping for a Magic Revision Pencil (inveterate shopper!). I like soft, dark pencils, and the number two I used this morning wasn't cutting it. Staples didn't have anything softer. After a few other unproductive stops, I wound up buying a drawing pencil at an art-supply store.

And that reminded me how much I like drawing. As a kid, I had a modest amount of artistic talent and drew and painted up a storm, to the lavish praise of the adults around me. I loved it. But as I got older and fell further into glass-half-empty, I became shyer about the visual stuff. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't skilled enough. I wasn't a Real Artist. This is of course either completely true or utter hogwash, depending on your point of view. I'll never be in MOMA or be paid for my artwork, but I have as much right to draw, paint and doodle as anybody else.

Back in 2006, inspired in part by a course I'd taken on art as spiritual practice, I briefly kept a drawing journal. Every day I'd produce a little doodle. Some are quite pretty; some are hideous; all of them were absorbing and fun. But after a while, I became too self-conscious about that project, too, and put the sketchbook away.

Today I took it out again. I sharpened up my colored pencils and doodled for an hour or so. The product will never be in MOMA, but the process made me very happy. As kids know, and as adults too often forget, coloring's a blast! (I can't remember who said, "All five year olds know they can draw. All fifteen year olds know they can't," but it's spot on.)

I hope to do one of these a day. I think the drawing journal -- along with the viola and knitting -- will help me stay relaxed on the writing front. And anything that creates joy should be maximized.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Dad's Pottery


So here's the memorial ceramic piece. I love the contrast of the stark trees with the rich brown glaze, and I like the reminder that the ashes incorporated into the glaze are the stuff of the soil from which trees grow.

Here's the inside glaze, which is mostly red with some blue bits. Dad's favorite color was red, and the ocean he loved is blue, so that works too.

I hope he'd have approved of this odd little object; I think he'd have appreciated its usefulness, anyway. And I suppose it doesn't really matter. The opinion that counts now is mine, and I love this piece.

Driving home with it on the passenger seat next to me, I felt like he was there. But I guess, in any way that matters, he always is.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Redeemed by Music


Today was, well, annoying. I got up way too early for my 8:15 doctor's appointment -- the one my arthritis doc says I need for him to refill my meds -- and was all proud of myself for getting to his office on time, only to discover that I couldn't find him on the building directory.

And then I remembered that he's moved to the way-far-by-freeway other end of town. Gahhhhh! And when I called to apologize and beg for mercy, since so many doctors' offices charge for no-shows (and I understand that, really), I couldn't get a human, but only a phone tree. I kept calling and finally got a real live person, who was both kind and sympathetic, and rescheduled me for an afternoon appointment -- thankya Jesus! -- in a few weeks, and who says I won't be billed for the no-show.

Yay.

Since I was up so bright and early (snarl snarl gnash), I decided to take an aquasize class at the gym. I usually enjoy those, but this time I got a bad leg cramp and also, I think, did something funky to my back, which has been grumbling ever since. On the bright side, I maintained pretty good control of my aqua-noodle, and didn't bop anyone on the head.

Yay.

That adventure was followed by a singularly unpleasant meeting at work. I work in an unusually peaceful and friendly department; we're not perfect, but we can go for several years at a clip with no drama whatsoever, and when there is drama, it tends to blow over fairly quickly, at least on the surface. People are polite and supportive and try to help each other out. But, well, y'know, the state's in the toilet, which means the university's not in great shape either, and everybody's really scared about what's going to happen to the budget, and we've been wrestling with department priorities, and today that came to a head. There was snapping, there were trembling lips and semi-accusations, there were people venting in the hallway afterwards. A few colleagues behaved very rationally during the meeting itself, but I wasn't at my best -- I tried to be, but I don't think I came across well -- and I left the room fearing that someone I like would never speak to me again. The decisions went the way I'd been arguing they should, but it was one of those meetings where just about everybody walks out feeling wretched, even the people who got what they wanted. A casual bystander, especially one used to the toxic politics so common in other departments across the country, might only have thought that we were having a mildly bad day, but by our standards, it was Holy Horror.

I went straight from that meeting to another, only slightly more pleasant, in which a program I'd proposed was shot down in about ten seconds. I'd gone in knowing this would happen -- I'd have been amazed if it hadn't, and, really, I need to give myself credit for even trying -- and the other people in the meeting were as nice about it as they could be, but, well, I walked out of there feeling even limper than I had after the first meeting.

When I came home, my new Kindle was waiting, which helped. I sent what I hoped would be interpreted as a friendly e-mail to the person I was afraid I'd angered, who wrote back as graciously as I could have expected under the circumstances. (See, that's my department for you. We all try to be nice. We really do.) I got a little writing done, ate dinner, graded a few papers.

And then, thanks be to God, Gary and I went to hear Lunasa, one of the acts in this year's Performing Arts Series line-up. Tonight's group was originally supposed to be another Celtic band, but they had to pull out at the last minute, and Lunasa was on tour, and, well, we got lucky.

And how lucky! That was one of the best concerts I've ever heard. These guys play so well that you expect their heads or their instruments to burst into spontaneous flames. I'm not sure it's physically possible for fingers to move as quickly as theirs do, and the band's perfectly balanced. Their energy's amazing: the whole hall was clapping and stomping, and they got a standing ovation. (Claire, if you're reading this, remember that concert we went to at The Bottom Line a million years ago? The one where we clapped and stomped and hooted until our throats hurt and our muscles ached? It was kinda like that, only better.) The music was -- well, words fail. Even listening to Lunasa's superb albums can't convey the feeling of hearing them live. If you like Celtic music and ever get the chance to hear them perform, go!

It would have been a transcendent concert anyway, but it was also exactly what I needed to pull myself out of the trough of the day. There is music. Life will go on.

Yay.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Parish Souvenir


We had an ice-cream social at church tonight. (I brought my own soy ice-cream, and ate too much of it!) I didn't stay long, but I had nice conversations with some folks, including a couple who've been attending our parish for forty-eight years. I think that's as long as it's been open. Wow.

We're in the process of emptying the building (the disposition of the building itself is up to the diocese), and the parish-hall floor was partly covered with liturgical banners. Many of them have been handmade by parishioners over the years, so the vestry wanted to give people who'd worked on them a chance to take them home. I've had my eye on this Lenten banner for some weeks now; I started attending church during Lent, and I find the stark tree very powerful. Tonight I asked our Senior Warden if I could have the banner. She shrugged and said, "It's been out here for a few weeks, so if no one else has claimed it and you want it, it's yours."

I'm not sure what I'll do with it -- Gary thinks we should hang it in the house, but we're very short on wall space everywhere except the stairwells -- but I love having it. I've always been deeply moved by how much of our physical church building was handmade by the community. The altar, rood beam and baptismal font were hand-carved by a previous rector, and the stained-glass windows were designed by a parishioner and then cut and assembled by the entire parish over a period of about a year. (That was before my time, but I love the story.) I can't take home a window or the altar, but I'm glad I have this banner.

I'll miss our homey, cozy sanctuary. The parish where I suspect I'll end up has one of the ugliest sanctuaries I've ever seen -- cinder-block walls, and a wall statue of Jesus that looks like a giant nightlight somebody bought at a garage sale -- but in a weird way, that's part of its charm. It's a place where I suspect Jesus himself would have been comfortable. The big downtown church is a miniature Gothic cathedral: gorgeous, but far too formal for me. It's what a friend of mine calls "sinners-in-the-hands-of-an-angry-God architecture," the kind of place that makes me feel like a speck of dust that's been blown in the window. The people I know from my parish who really care about church aesthetics are going there. I prefer unintimidating worship space!

In other art news, on Friday I'll be picking up another piece incorporating trees: the ceramic pencil holder I commissioned with some of Dad's ashes in the glaze. It's a very small piece (and may sound silly as a memorial object), but I'm glad I'll have it, and the trees will match my Lenten banner.

Oh, the new Kindle didn't arrive today; it will come tomorrow, and apparently it's shipping from Indianapolis rather than Reno. I guess Reno's out of Kindles!

Tomorrow: an early-morning doctor's appointment, two meetings at work (at least one of which will be difficult and draining), and a concert in the evening. Somewhere in there, I have to get grading and writing done, and swim!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Oh!


Studying the ring, I just realized that the heart isn't, as I thought, a patch of oxidized silver: it's a heart-shaped hole cut in the silver, with the underside of the rock showing through. This feels like a teensy message from the universe, one I need to decode. Open up that armor and let the heart show through? Or, as Buddhist writer Joanna Macy would say, "The heart that has broken open can contain the universe?"

Whatever I decide it's trying to tell me, it's neat, and makes me like the ring even more.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Della's Sampler

The Weekend


On Saturday, Liz and I dropped Owen at the airport at the unholy hour of 4:30in the morning. We went to a casino coffeeshop for breakfast, went swimming at my healthclub, and then -- still with no word from Oregon -- went to an arts festival in Reno. We saw Marin there, and one of my former students, and I found a potter who's not only willing to do something with the rest of Dad's cremains, but excited about the commission. Yay!

I also bought new earrings and a necklace, although both were inexpensive. Well, of course. What do you do after you've just spent thousands of dollars on appliances? After the arts festival, Liz and I drove up to Truckee to do more shopping, natch. But I only bought one t-shirt. I didn't even buy yarn. Amazing!

Sunday I decided to skip church, as well as the meeting after church about how church is closing. Instead, Liz and Gary and I drove to the big fancy mall south of town and . . . shopped. Liz and I bought clothing at Orvis. Gary, man of steel, didn't buy anything.

We still hadn't heard from Oregon. I kept promising myself I'd call, but then other things would happen and I'd forget. We were increasingly puzzled, though.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

You Folks Rock!


Thanks so much for the supportive comments on my last post. I'm very rich in my friends, and don't think I don't know it!

Updates:

I was still kinda weepy when I got to my therapist's office. He listened, empathized, and -- after I gave him the briefest summary of Sunday's homily -- smiled and said, "The lesson here is that you have to have faith that someone out there will accept you even if other people judge you."

Good therapist.

After leaving his office, I drove out to Dale's gallery to pick up the cremains. Dale wasn't there, but I found a pretty little $10 pot and bought it (I'd have bought something bigger, but that was all the cash I had on me and I didn't have a check). I also left a note thanking him for his time in talking to me. So I hope he'll take all of that the right way. I don't bear the guy any ill will: he has to follow his instincts, and he sounded very upset this morning. Of course, so was I, but that's my issue, not his.

I don't know what I'm going to do with the cremains I retrieved from him. Nothing right away, probably. I need to go into turtle mode and withdraw into my shell for a while before I stick my neck out again. (Now you know why I like turtles so much!) At this point, I'm very wary about approaching anyone else in the Reno area. I'm just not up to cold calling right now.

On the other hand, if any of you know a potter, in Reno or elsewhere, who might be open to such a project -- and who won't charge an arm and a leg for including some cremains in clay to make a small piece -- please let me know. The problem with most of the outfits that advertise this service is that their prices are prohibitive, like everything else in the funeral industry. One of the things I really liked about Dale is that he wasn't going to increase his price based on including some unusual material in the clay. I'd have paid it if he did, but I was pleased and grateful when he said he doesn't do that.

In other Dad-related news, I went to the VA to try to get proof of his military service. The lady at the hospital information desk, when I explained why I was there (I wasn't sure where to go), said, "I'm so sorry about your Dad," a piece of kindness I sorely needed today. I love the VA!

However, they didn't have any formal proof of service. (You'd think the fact that he was a VA patient would be proof enough of military service, wouldn't you?) The clerk was energetic and helpful and gave me what little she had -- a piece of paper saying that Dad had served in WWII, without any specifics -- but said I should try to track down Dad's records at the other VAs where he's been treated. I can't even count them, and wouldn't know where to start. That's a piece of family archeaology I'm not at all sure I'm up to. Otherwise, my only option is the online request form I already filled out, which takes 4-6 weeks.

The Coast Guard chaplain indicated that he'd be pretty liberal about what constitutes proof of service, so I hope we'll still be able to get Dad scattered on his birthday. I also hope the chaplain doesn't have any ominous dreams between now and July 14.

Anyway, after all of that, I swam for fifty minutes, which left me feeling a little better. Now I have to try to get a bit of the book done before we settle down to watching Weeds, our current TV obsession.

Ouch


Dale from Peavine Pottery called me this morning, sounding very terse indeed, and told me he couldn't make the pot from Dad's ashes. He said he's a big believer in dreams, and he had a dream telling him not to do it, although he couldn't tell me -- because the dream hadn't told him -- why not.

I'm a big believer in dreams too, so the call freaked me out more than a little. It's hard not to take this personally: Dale was fine when I first spoke to him on the phone about the commission, and he's clearly made such pieces before -- he could describe the effect of cremains on glaze and clay, for instance -- but he became increasingly tense during our visit yesterday. So I think something about me turned him off.

I cried after the phone call, and I've been fighting shame ever since, especially since last week, a friend told me how "weird" it is for me to be investing in all these cremain keepsakes. "But if it makes you feel better, that's what's important." Well, yes. (Which is more shameful: finding creative homes for loved ones, or shaming others about their choices in doing so?)

Okay, so I'm weird. Guilty as charged. We've been knowing that, right? But really, the project isn't all that bizarre. There are companies that specialize in this, like Phoenix Memorial Art. Isn't making something beautiful and useful from cremains more sensible than just keeping them in an urn that can't then be used for anything else? I wanted to give the business to local artists, and now I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. I hope John at Planet X doesn't back out, too.

Sometime today I'll go by Peavine Pottery to pick up the cremains I left there yesterday. Truth to tell, I'm kind of dreading the errand.

I also have a therapy appointment today. I can't wait to hear what my therapist makes of this!

If I had more free time, I'd take a pottery class and make something myself, but that doesn't seem feasible right now. On the other hand, cremains keep, so maybe I can do it sometime in the future. Whatever I made wouldn't be a tenth as nice as Dale's work, though; I mean, he's spent years at this. He's an artist.

Feh.

In other news, the deck demolition is coming along nicely.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Rainy Season


March is the rainy season in Hawai'i, and sure enough, it's been cloudy and on-and-off rainy the last two days. Yesterday we used our bus passes to go to the Bishop Museum, a natural-history museum with nice science exhibits for kids and a fabulous hall devoted to the history and anthropology of Hawai'i. I was very moved by the description of indigenous Hawai'ian spirituality, in which all things are alive and interconnected. (As usual, it's taken Western folks many moons indeed to begin to develop any of the same ideas.) The exhibits included video clips; there were three of interviews with a Hawai'ian fisherman who described, with stunning eloquence, the spiritual aspect of fishing. He called it "a wonderment of grace," the idea that the living ocean gives pieces of itself to feed the world.

We also went to a planetarium show about how the ancient Polynesians navigated by the stars and waves. Until recently, anthropologists assumed that the people who migrated from Tahiti hit Hawai'i only by accident. In tbe 1970s, though, a group called the Polynesian Voyaging Society built a traditional Hawai'ian canoe from modern materials and, using ancient wayfinding techniques (reading stars by night and wave patterns by day, without compasses or sextants) successfully sailed the vessel from Hawai'i to Tahiti and back. There have been other voyages since then; the website makes fascinating reading, especially in the sections describing daily life on the canoe, where more than a dozen people live and work in 400 square feet of space for weeks at a time.

The planetarium demonstration of wayfinding convinced me that I'd never be able to manage it! Fortunately, the Honolulu bus system is wondrously simple by comparison; we got back to the hotel with no trouble at all, and then -- to our delight -- found a superb Thai restaurant right around the corner. Pricy, but worth it!

Today we took the bus to the Honlulu Academy of Arts, a lovely art museum with a small but impressive collection of art ranging from medieval stained glass to Hawai'ian modernism to the European masters. There's an emphasis on Asian art -- Japanese, Chinese, and Korean -- with a special gallery devoted to several Islamic pieces from the estate of Doris Duke. Gary and I love Islamic art, but we decided that $25/head for a tour of Duke's estate, Shangri La, was a bit much. Maybe next time, since I suspect we'll be saving our pennies, if we have any left, to come back here.

A block from the museum there's a yarn store! In Hawai'i! But alas, my dreams of Hawai'ian made bamboo-and-pineapple yarn were unrealized: there's no yarn made in Hswai'i, and all they had was stuff I can get at home. I'm glad we looked, though.

In the afternoon we trekked down to our local snorkeling beach. Conditions weren't as good as yesterday: it was high tide and overcast, so the water was murkier -- and the currents stronger -- than the first time we were there. We still saw lots of fish, though! Tomorrow, weather permitting, we'll go to Hanauma Bay, where I devoutly hope to see turtles.

Tonight after dinner, again at the Thai restaurant, Gary came back to the hotel room to watch bad movies while I embarked on a shopping expedition to pick up various birthday and Christmas gifts. I did fairly well, although I nearly became lost in the maze of the International Marketplace. (When they say, "Get lost on a shopping safari," they aren't kidding!) It's a stressful setting where most of the vendors, almost all very energetic Asian women, expect you to bargain, and where they're always trying to get you to buy yet another item from their cart (where the wares are nearly identical to the next cart). I like what I bought, although I honestly can't say that the stuff isn't plastic instead of the bone or shell it's supposed to be. But I got quite a few gifts and only one item for myself (this trip; I got two things for myself there a few days ago). Gary said, "You're Christmas shopping in March?" But hey, no time like the present, and some of the pressure will be off come December.

So those are the latest updates. Wish us luck tomorrow, good weather and plentiful turtles!

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Tears and Joy


Dad's hospice had its annual memorial service this afternoon, and I went with my friend Sherry, who's also one of my priests. Gary didn't want to go, and several friends I asked couldn't; I really didn't want to go by myself, so I was immensely grateful that Sherry was available and willing.

The only thing I disliked about the service was the music, which ran to the sappy and sentimental. It would have sent Dad screaming out of the room, and I might have responded in the same way in other circumstances, but of course I stayed put this time. I'd started crying almost the minute I walked into the room, and I was just grateful to be in a room of people who understood that and weren't going to criticize me for dwelling or wallowing or not being over it or any of the other messages folks tend to give when they're uncomfortable with someone else's grief.

First the two medical directors of the hospice, one of whom was Dad's doctor, gave opening remarks, talking about what hospice means to them and linking that to their own spiritual traditions (Jewish in one case, LDS in the other). Both of them said that as physicians, they've always hated having to tell patients, "There's nothing else we can do for you." In hospice, there's always something else to do: making people comfortable, alleviating pain, facilitating the healing of relationships. One of the doctors talked about how hospice had taught her that there's always something else to hope for: if not for a cure from illness, then for enough time to witness the birth of a grandchild, for enough comfort to enjoy the flowers friends have brought, for the gift of not having to die alone.

After the opening remarks, we saw photographs families had sent in of their dead loved ones (while they were still alive, obviously). The pictures were displayed one at a time, alphabetically by last name, on a large screen, over a really sappy song (which at least mentioned sailing; Dad would have approved of that part!). The AV person had gotten the display timed just right, so it ended when the song did. Each photograph had about ten seconds of screen time, and zoomed inward during that time, so the person in the picture seemed to be getting closer. It was a surprisingly moving effect. I'd sent in the picture of Dad at the top of this post; it's the one I took the evening we picked him up in Sacramento, on October 18, 2009, the last night of his life that he wasn't on oxygen. It looked really good on that big screen.

When the hospice invited us to the event, they sent pieces of parchment on which we could write notes to our loved ones. After we looked at the photographs, we were invited to come forward and place our notes in the pockets of a hospice quilt hanging at the front of the room. It was a beautiful quilt; I gather there's one quilt per year. The hospice director told us that each person's name will be embroidered on the front of the pocket holding that note, and then we can come visit the quilt in the hospice headquarters whenever we want to. What a great tradition! I loved it. I have some of Dad's old shirts, and I'm tempted to try to make a quilt from them -- especially after seeing the display of Gee's Bend Quilts at the Nevada Art Museum this weekend -- but I sew so badly that I'd be afraid of forever ruining the fabric. Maybe I'll try to find someone who can make one for me, though.

There was another sappy song and a benediction, and then the service was over, followed by a reception. I spoke briefly to the hospice chaplain, and also to Dad's doctor, who remembered both Dad and me (even though Dad was only in hospice for two days) and very kindly told me about some conversations he'd had with Dad. He asked how things were going at the university, and together we deplored the governor's determination to gut education and services to the most vulnerable in the state -- children, the elderly and the mentally ill -- rather than raising taxes.

I'd offered to buy Sherry coffee after the service, so we stopped in at one of my favorite cafes, where we managed to snag two of the best chairs. She hasn't been at church much lately, and I've missed a lot too, so we caught up with each other and shared opinions about various parish goings-on.

While we sat there, I heard a piece of music that made the top of my head came off. I went up to the counter to ask the barrista what was playing. "Nickel Creek," he said, and as soon as I got home I started browsing Amazon.com's MP3 downloads and downloaded five of the group's instrumentals. The one that had filled me with such joy is called Robin and Marian, and I have it on continuous repeat on my music player. (You can listen to it if you go to the link and press the forward arrow.) This is the kind of music that made me want to learn to play fiddle, although I'll probably never be good enough to play this song! Dad would have loved the tune, I think, so it felt fitting that I heard it for the first time today.

One of my favorite psalms is 126, because of the lines, "May those who sow in tears reap with shouts of joy. Those who go out weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, carrying their sheaves." That's kind of what today felt like.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Susan Palwick, This is Your Life


From the 12/21&28 New Yorker, page 128, artist Emily Flake.

I'm not doing any visual art at the moment, and the electric guitar should be a fiddle, but other than that, this is uncannily accurate!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

TSWP Unveiled!


Back in June, when I was in New York, my agent told me that Tor had requested a mainstream -- i.e., not fantasy or SF -- novel from me. She told me to prepare a proposal post-haste, which I did. And then we waited.

This morning, Tor made an offer. They'll be publishing my fourth novel, currently entitled Mending the Moon. It's about four elderly women who are close friends (and Episcopalians!); when one of them is killed, the other three have to make sense of what's happened and find ways to go forward with their own lives, while also helping their friend's adopted son. Right now the first draft is about half written, although a lot will have to change; the manuscript's due September 1, 2010, although I hope to have it done before then.

Above is an image of the talisman I bought in Northhampton this summer. I'd been looking for a moon image, and the art-glass sculpture was perfect!

Wish me luck, please. I'll post periodically about my progress.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Ecce Felis!


And yes, I know my Latin's probably wrong. You get the idea, though!

One of the reasons we fell in love with our house when we were house-shopping was the kitty mailbox out front, a yellow-and-brown striped tabby. (The former owner was nicknamed "Cat" but owned three dogs. Go figure.) The mailbox was perfect for us, and also served as a great landmark for guests trying to find our house. Over the years, though, the old mailbox faded and splintered. Recently, its tail broke off. So we decided to see if we could get another one.

An internet search turned up a company that will hand-paint a mailbox to look like your cat if you send them photos. So we sent them photos of the elegant Figaro, above.

And here's the mailbox, which arrived today. Naturally, it's a lot fatter than Figgy, because mailboxes aren't that long and skinny. But we're delighted with it, and especially with the metal whiskers. I couldn't stop smiling when I pulled into the driveway and saw it for the first time.

Rest in peace, old mailbox. Welcome, new mailbox!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Yet Another New Project?


This balloon touched down in the gully behind Katharine's house this morning, and Gary got this great shot. Otherwise, it was a so-so balloon year: most of them were moving away from us, and they were backlit by the sun, so we couldn't get great photos. Nertz! But we were with a bunch of good friends and there were four adorable kids in attendance -- who especially enjoyed the fact that one balloon came close, of course -- and the food was great, so we had a thoroughly good time anyway.

A strange thing happened to me, though. I love music, but I've never been very musical myself. Gary thinks I have a better ear than I think I do, but my three years of flute in junior high didn't do much for me (nor was I very good at it), and I've never particularly wanted to play any other instrument, except maybe guitar, but even that not seriously.

A lot of our friends are musicians, though. Katharine's a fabulous soprano and runs the Vocal Studies Program at UNR; Jim's a world-class pianist; and our friend Stephanie's a brilliant violinist who runs the Orchestral Studies Program at UNR. Katharine also plays violin, and Jim also plays cello, and Pamela plays a stringed instrument too, although I can't remember which at the moment (viola, maybe?), and Stephanie picked up viola when she started the UNR job two years ago and, of course, immediately played it beautifully. And Stephanie and her husband (also named Gary) have made sure that their two daughters have musical training: one studies violin and the other flute, at the ages of ten and eight. Meanwhile, my Gary's listened to thousands of hours of classical music and can discuss it in language I don't even begin to understand.

I feel very intimidated in this company. I'm delighted to serve as an outside member on music masters' committees, and I can tell a spot-on performance from a shaky one, but I don't pretend to any expertise.

Okay, so. Katharine and Jim recently returned from the Telluride Festival, where Katharine purchased a painted violin covered with pretty green leaves. She knew her granddaughter Pippa (who's five or six now? I lose track) would love it, but she made sure it would play, too. So this morning she held Pippa's hand and helped her move the bow across the strings and play "Twinkle, Twinkle."

When they were done, I asked Katharine if I could see the violin. Then I asked if I could hold the bow. Then I tried to produce a note, although I didn't even attempt to hold the instrument correctly. Jim laughed at me and said, "Now you know why I play the cello; it's a much more natural playing position!"

As far as I know, I've never even held a violin before. Violin's not even my favorite instrument; cello is. But I got a note, or several notes, from the strings. It's hard to describe the sensation. I felt as if the violin was alive, an animal I was stroking with the bow to coax it into speaking. I was very conscious of having to be gentle. And when I got a satisfying noise, a thrill ran through me.

Katharine laughed and took the violin back so she and Pippa could play with it some more. The rest of us wandered out into the backyard to look at the distant balloons. My skin was still thrumming from the violin. I said casually to Stephanie, "So are there, like, cheap beginner violins? Plastic ones, maybe?"

"You want wood," Jim told me, and Stephanie said that I could get a decent novice violin for $100, a figure that made me blanch even though I've spent it on yarn plenty of times, and will do so again. Yarn makes useful things for people, though.

"I'm forty-nine," I told her. "I mean, it's not like I'm really going to learn to play the violin!" I just wanted to coax the animal into speaking again.

When we got home, I did internet research. You can indeed get a beginner violin for about $100, but every source I've read recommends renting instead. We have a good music store in town, and I'm sure they rent instruments. But I have absolutely no interest in learning classical violin. What I love the most is Celtic fiddle music and bluegrass: folk styles, not classical.

A few Google searches later, I discovered a Celtic fiddler who lives in Reno and who, supposedly, gives lessons. I've e-mailed her to see if I might be able to take some. This is a crazy, crazy idea, right? Right? I don't have enough to do? What am I thinking? And although adult learners aren't that uncommon, violin's a notoriously difficult instrument.

But I'm not sure I've ever felt the way that violin made me feel. (Yep, the first one's free.) At some point this morning, Stephanie commented that I must have some kind of aptitude even to get a note from the violin the first time I touched it, since not everyone can do that. I have very low goals, though. I don't expect, or even want, to get good enough to perform. If I spend five years practicing scales and then give up, I'll have had fun along the way, and if I manage to pick out a fiddle tune or two, that will be even better.

And maybe this lady won't even get back to me, or won't want to take on a menopausal novice. Rationally, I know that might be best of all. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I got the car smogged, renewed my registration, and am making some grading progress. So the day wasn't entirely wasted in bizarre midlife artistic fantasies.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Forty-Niner


I'm forty-nine today. It hasn't been the most riotous birthday; I've been feeling really down for a couple of weeks now, so much so that I'm seeing my shrink tomorrow, almost a month early, to see if I can get my meds bumped up. I've never done that before, and I hate to do it now, but I need to function, and I'm falling farther and farther behind. The to-do list is really scary, in through here. It would also be nice to stop feeling completely inadequate in every aspect of my life. Intellectually, I know I'm not -- although my memory's been so bad that I've been spacing appointments and meetings -- but my neurotransmitters need some convincing.

Despite my lethargy, there were certainly some lovely birthday moments. I video-skyped with my sister and mother, who held up a candle and sang "Happy Birthday," and Gary gave me great presents: two knitting books I wanted (one on double knitting and one on mosaic knitting, although the projects they describe are currently beyond me), a PBS video following seven doctors through training and practice, and a large, hand-colored print of two elephants from a Walter Anderson design. Anderson's the artist from Ocean Springs whose work my father loved; Dad lived two blocks from the Walter Anderson Museum, and Liz and I both gave him Anderson posters to decorate his apartment down there. I have both of those now, but Gary decided we needed more Anderson artwork, so he ordered the elephants. One of Anderson's descendents printed the silksceen; they're an Ocean Springs dynasty.

A little while ago, I suddenly sat bolt upright, said, "Oh, my God!" and raced into Gary's study. "You gave me the elephants because of Dad, right?"

He looked at me like I'd grown two heads. "I gave them to you because I know your father liked Anderson, but I picked the elephants just because I liked the design. Why are elephants important?"

"Remember when I went down to Ocean Springs after Dad's quadruple bypass in 2001? I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said, 'A baby elephant,' so I got him all sorts of elephant stuff, remember?"

"Oh, yeah! The elephant bells hanging downstairs."

"And the elephant keychain. And the stuffed elephant in my study. And the elephant mug I sent Liz." Somewhere in the garage, there's also a watercolor of a grown elephant with a baby elephant.

"Huh," Gary said. "Well, I knew about the Anderson connection, but the elephants were just a lucky accident."

Accident or providence, the elephants comfort me. They feel like a Happy Birthday message from Dad, as well as from Gary.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

What Remains


In a previous post, I mentioned that Mom and I end every conversation with "I love you," as my father and I also did, and that Gary's mother commented that love's always the last thing to go.

But other things are slow to fade, too. For my father, it was politics; at his most demented -- a condition we later determined to be due to medications and low O2 sats -- he was trying to ram his wheelchair through furniture so he could get to Congress to work on the energy bill.

For my mother, it's shopping, especially for jewelry.

Palwick women love jewelry, and it's a major source of bonding among us, playing the role that camping or sports play in other families. My mother and sister and I, in various combination, have spent many happy hours in jewelry and craft stores. We don't generally go for "fine" jewelry, but for the handcrafted, the one-of-a-kind, the ethnic. We much prefer turquoise or agate to diamonds. My sister and I shopped our way through the galleries of Flagstaff during a road trip a few years back; my mother and sister, for many years, enjoyed beading together, and I have many pieces made by both of them.

My mother's always had a taste for silver jewelry, Mexican or Native American. When I was growing up, we lived in walking distance of a wonderful shop called La Puerta Del Sol that featured Mexican handicrafts, really gorgeous stuff. This was before the price of silver (or pottery or wooden carvings) went through the roof, so many of the pieces were surprisingly affordable. Some of my most vivid childhood memories are of Christmas shopping there for my mother with my carefully saved allowance money. I still remember how excited I was about many of the gifts I got her: a silver brooch/pendant with intricate, serpentine cutouts, a pair of wooden candlesticks for our dining-room table, a brass basket in the shape of a fish. I could never wait to see if she loved these things as much as I did, and she almost always did. As far as I know, she still has all the gifts I've mentioned, and probably many others, and her jewelry collection includes many stunning pieces she bought at La Puerta. None of us could afford them today.

She gave me and my sister a lot of jewelry as gifts, too: in our Christmas stockings, for birthdays, in care packages. Other moms sent their kids food or socks: my mother sent earrings and hand-knit sweaters. (She was a brilliant knitter, and one reason I took to knitting so late is that her skill intimidated me when I was younger.) For the past few years, she's generally sent checks for holidays, because she hardly ever gets out to shop, and even catalog shopping is too difficult for her now. But for my birthday last September, she and my sister went to the Southwest Trading Post in Skippack, PA, where they both bought me stunning bracelets. After I'd gotten them in the mail, my mother called me every day for a week to find out if I still loved the bracelet she'd chosen, signed by the artist, and if I loved it as much as she did. Of course the answers were yes. Her excitement reminded me of mine when I was a child, waiting to give her whatever Christmas gift I'd bought at La Puerta. For many months now, I've suspected that that bracelet will be the last gift she'll ever pick out by hand for me.

Today I called my sister, and we talked about the schedule for my visit there next week. The school where my sister teaches isn't out for the summer yet, so she'll only have evenings and two weekend days to spend with me. "Saturday we're going to Southwest Trading Post," she told me. "Mom wants to go."

"Well, I'm happy to do that, but if she's not up to it, we don't have to."

"It's the only thing she wants to do. She's really looking forward to it. I wouldn't make the trip, except that she wants to. So I hope she'll be up to it."

This is the woman who can barely walk, who sleeps most of the day, who needs a lot of care from family or healthcare aides, and who can't reliably remember how to use the telephone. But to shop for handmade silver jewelry with her daughters, she'll put out heroic effort.

God bless you, Mom.